


Devil's Backbone

by CatsoftheApocalypse



Series: MARVELous Guys [4]
Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Alcohol, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, assumes you have seen Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-09-28 13:00:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10101869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatsoftheApocalypse/pseuds/CatsoftheApocalypse
Summary: You know well enough that everybody has their cross to bear, but that doesn't mean that you can't take a day off biting through the pain. Once a year, at least. Is that really too much to ask?When you are interrupted by somebody who was actually on their way out, it would seem that it is, indeed. Or maybe both of you need to rearrange your focus a bit.





	1. Minutes

**Author's Note:**

> This is all written and will be posted Sundays and Wednesdays, as installments present themselves.

The first classes of the day were in session, so there was no need for me to worry about anybody bearing witness to how I turned to my three good friends Jim, Jack and Johnny for consolation on this fine morning. That is, until I heard the fall of heavy, approaching footsteps. Turning my head towards the door, I saw _him_ stop in his tracks and regard me with fascination as well as disapproval.

“Don’t you think it’s a little early for that?” he asked, and I held the glass in front of my eyes to analyze the amber liquid it held.

Then I shrugged and downed my drink.

“Don’t you think that’s none of your business?”

“Perhaps.” He chuckled and stepped closer, reaching for a glass himself. “Do you mind?” he asked, gesturing for the bottle.

“Free country.” I shrugged again.

He helped himself to a drink, downed it like I had done with mine, and then poured us both a new one.

“I’m Erik.”

“I know.”

“Of course. Splattered all over the news, was I not?”

“Don’t know. Maybe. I don’t watch a lot of TV. Too much input. Gives me a headache.”

“Your gift?”

“If that’s what you want to call it.”

We both raised our glasses at the same time, the whiskey leaving a pleasant warmth in its wake as it trickled down my throat. Now I was the one who reached for the bottle and shot him a questioning look, after which I proceeded to fill his glass again, as well as my own.

“So…” he began, looking at me intently.

It took me a moment to realize why he did not continue.

“F/N.” I grunted, barely introducing myself.

He nodded minutely.

“F/N. I know why I decided to join you. But why are you drinking this early?”

I was tempted to tell him to piss off, but after a moment’s deliberation decided against it.

“Bad thing happened. Years ago today. Doesn’t matter.” I muttered instead, and drank.

While I refilled my glass yet again, his gaze never left me.

“What? Do I have something on my face?”

“No.” he murmured. “Just… How _do_ you know who I am? I have not seen you around before today.”

It was true. I had spent most of the near-Apocalypse with what was left of my family and had only arrived back at the school late last night, after Charles had asked me to return and teach.

“Charles.”

“He told you about me. I should’ve known.”

“Wrong again.”

“Then what? You’re a telepath? Another one?”

“Please.” I scoffed. “My ‘gift’, as you call it, is nowhere near as useful.”

“And that’s why you won’t tell me what it is?”

“Why do you even care?”

“I don’t. I’m just curious.”

“Fine.” I said, taking another drink, this time leaving the glass empty. “Charles did not need to tell me about you. He worries about you. All the time. I can see that worry. Plain as the light of day. Just like-“ I stopped myself before I stepped out of line, but he wouldn’t have it.

“Just like what?” he prompted.

“Just like I can see your pain. And your anger.”

He scowled at me, but still appeared intrigued. Like a cat that was faced with something they didn’t like, but was way too interested in the reward behind it to give up.

“So, an empath, instead of a telepath?”

“No. Well… yes… of a sort.”

“Meaning what?”

“I don’t _connect_ to other’s emotions. I can _see_ them. It varies how. Mostly, though, it’s colors. Sometimes, when they’re intense, I can see the cause as well. And in extreme cases, I can project what I see. Create a visual manifestation, if you will.”

My explanation was not met with the disregard I had come to expect whenever I described my mutation to someone for the first time. Instead-

“Show me.” he demanded.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because the only emotion that burns strong enough within you for me to project is your pain. I don’t want to make you see its cause again.”

“F/N.”

To my utter astonishment, he reached for my hand in the middle of the table, between our glasses, and held it in his.

“Please.”

Something in his eyes pulled at my heartstrings, and I swallowed back all my reluctance before nodding.

“Take the bottle. And our glasses. Then follow me.” I instructed, pulling my hand away from him and getting up.

He followed me as I stepped into the hallway, and a quick glance back confirmed he had done as requested.


	2. Hours

I did not look back at him any more while we walked, so I only noticed his confused expression once my bedroom door had fallen shut after the two of us and I had turned to face him again.

“What?” I asked.

“Why here?”

“Well… For one, even though classes are in session, you never know who’s around. There might be stragglers. I mean, you were there to catch me drinking on my own, were you not?”

“I suppose you have a point.” He admitted, but the ghost of a smile whispering across his lips. “What else?”

“Pardon?”

“You said ‘For one.’, as if there was more than just that.”

“Right. Okay. Don’t take this personally, but when I project like this, the reactions vary. And they can be quite… forceful, on occasion. You, and the amount of pain you’re in… I just don’t know what to expect. And no matter what, I figured you might prefer to be somewhere more… private.”

He opted not to reply, but I could see, pun intended, that he was rather grateful for my consideration.

I sat on the edge of my bed and patted the spot next to me. When he was seated as well, I took the glasses and filled them, before handing one back to him and placing the bottle on the bedside table.

“What are we waiting for?” he asked, looking intently at the liquid as it sloshed around in his glass.

“Nothing in particular. We can get started, for all I care. But…”

“But what?”

“You go first.”

“What?” he questioned, his gaze now snapping to me.

“You go first. Your powers. You show me yours, I’ll show you mine.”

“You know exactly what I can do.” he muttered.

“Not quite. All I know is what everybody in the world knows. And I refuse to believe that’s all there is to your abilities. That destruction is the only use they can have. There is beauty in them as well, and that is what I want to see.”

“You’re quite aggravating, you know that?”

“Oh, please. I think it’s the true reason Charles hired me.”

“I don’t know if I can…”

“You could at least try. You know, before you give up…”

“Fine.” he grumbled, looking around. “Do you particularly value that Newton’s Cradle?” he asked, gesturing to the small physics toy I had once won at a Fair.

“Not really. Knock yourself out.”

With a puff of breath he downed his drink, closed his eyes, and furrowed his brow.

I had my own eyes glued to the simple construct of the cradle, which quickly lost its shape as it separated into miniscule particles, flowing towards Erik’s outstretched hand. The air was heavy around us as I watched on in fascination.

I was unable to identify what it was he was trying to create while the steel was still reassembling in his palm, but finally made it out the moment he opened his eyes.

“Erik, this is gorgeous!” I breathed in admiration.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” he scoffed.

“I’m not.” I insisted, reaching for the item he had just created.

He freely handed it over, and I took a moment to scrutinize the short twig that held a few smooth leaves and a fully formed, perfect panicle of lilac blossoms. The entire construct appeared so delicate, every detail so minutely sculpted, I was almost afraid it might break at the softest touch.

“Beautiful…” I whispered again. “Do you mind if I keep it?”

“It’s yours anyway.” he just said.

“Thank you. May I ask… why lilac?”

He was silent for a moment, looking at the delicate flowers as I studied his face, which displayed a mixture of nostalgia and sadness.

“It was my mother’s favorite.” he finally said, quietly.

I was tempted to thank him again, but bit my tongue. This matter was sensitive enough without me dwelling on yet another memory of his.

Instead, I took his glass to put it down next to my own, placed his creation in the bedside table’s drawer, and got up to retrieve the chair from my desk, placing it so that I faced him as I sat back down. There was about a meter of space between us, and I rested my forearms on my knees, my hands held vertically and fingers spread loosely.

“I don’t do this very often.” I warned him. “It might take a while, or be a bit blurry. Just… bear with me, okay?”

He nodded his assent, and I took a last deep breath before I let down the barriers I constantly upheld in my mind to block out most of the input when I was around other people. Instantly, I was flooded with the full force of the agony he was in. His sense of loss and grief. I could see it all clearly now, while I had only caught glimpses before.

As I concentrated, I felt the familiar sensations of my power course through my body while the projection began to form between my hands. At first, it was nothing but a dull grey mist, but soon enough I could see every little detail. Every leaf on the forest floor, every button on the coats of the men holding a pretty little girl. The terror on the face of Erik’s wife. The fear on his own. The resignation that followed.

It was all a steady, dark grey now, clearer than any projection I had ever managed before.

As what I knew was coming unfolded in the space between my hands, I looked up at Erik’s face. The seconds ticked by, and the dark grey of his pain grew interspersed with blue, and then with a deep, rich maroon as his rage rekindled. Yet, the most prominent marker remained his pain and guilt.

After the inevitable outcome of the projection, I struggled against the might of his emotions, unable to rebuild the shields in my mind, even as the last of the imagery vanished and I saw beyond the colors of what he felt, saw the physical evidence on his cheeks as they were stained by tears.

And I felt his power reaching out to every bit of metal in the room, be it the clip on my pen resting on the desk, or the rings on my fingers. Despite the danger I knew this represented, I refused to run and hide.

I had agreed to show him my abilities, I was not about to deny the consequences of that decision. It wasn’t the first time they led to an outburst, so it was something I had expected. Or considered, at least.

“Erik…” I addressed him gently, but received no answer. His hands were balled into fists, resting on his thighs, his jaw clenched tight, and the pull he had on any and all nearby metal only kept growing. It was now at the point where the door began to rattle, the brass knob shaking as it almost came off its hinges. Meanwhile, I almost got hit by the pen as it shot across the room, hitting the wall opposite the desk.

Quickly leaving my chair, I knelt in front of Erik and placed my hands on either side of his face.

“Erik.” I urged. “Look at me. Please. I need you to look at me, and I need you to hear me.”

His previously glassy eyes focused on me, and I forced a sad smile as I wiped at his tears with my thumbs. The thrum of his power in the air still remained.

“This is not all you are. This is not all you can do. You’re in pain, I know that. But you don’t have to let it control you. That rage I see, it isn’t going to solve anything, won’t make anything better. It won’t make the grief disappear. You should know that. You’ve been there before. And you know what? I have been, too. It’s not pleasant. It’s not fun. It isn’t meant to be. But we’ve learned to live with it before.”

His labored breathing began to even out as I spoke, and the surge of his power ebbed away. By now, I was confident enough in his control that I blindly reached into the bedside drawer to retrieve the, thankfully unharmed, Lilac branch. I held it up between us, my other hand still on his cheek.

“Your pain is part of who, and what, you are.” I continued. “But so is this. The fond memories. The bittersweet ones. You carry your parents with you still, and you always will. The same, as heartbreaking as it may be, will hold true for your wife and your daughter.”

I fell silent, having said all that I meant to. Erik, although his sorrow was still plain to me, had calmed, the maroon of his rage now barely even visible around the edges of my vision anymore. All that remained was a sheen of deep blue.

“Nina.” he said, his voice so low I almost missed it.

“Nina? Your daughter’s name?”

He nodded.

“It suited her well. A sweet little girl. Who loved her father very much.”

Wiping a straggling tear away with a final swipe of my thumb, I let both my hands fall into my lap.

“Are you okay?”

“I…” he paused, swallowing thickly. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to know. You don’t have to be okay. Not yet. Just… please don’t wreck my room, yeah?”

“I’ll try my best.” he said, but the ghost of a smile on his lips.

“That’s all I can ask.”

 

I had returned to my original spot on the bed next to Erik after that, and we sat in silence for quite some time. It become oppressive after a while, though, and I fished for something to say, anything to ease the awkward tension that had formed between us.

“Would you like another drink?” I blurted out.

“Oh God, yes!” he groaned, his relief almost palpable.

More than just a little relieved myself, I reached to fill our glasses before I handed his over and took hold of my own. A few seconds and a sloppy toast later, those drinks were history, just like the ones before them.

As we turned towards each other and both ended up sitting with one leg pulled up onto the bed, we seemed to come to an unspoken understanding, and I reached for the bottle to wordlessly refill our glasses. Repeatedly. In fact, we kept drinking until the bottle, which had been full when he found me drinking alone, was entirely empty.

“Damn.” I grumbled as I shook the last drops of whiskey into his glass.

We both raised our glasses again, but he seemed to relish his last drink more than I did, his head still thrown back when I looked at him again.

Intoxicated as I was, I felt no shame whatsoever in watching the movement of his throat, or the way he licked a lingering drop of alcohol from his lips when he finally lowered his head.

“Do you have something to say?” he asked when he found my eyes on him.

I shook my head.

“Do you?”

He looked into my eyes, and in my hazy state of mind I was unable to identify all the emotions that ran through him in those moments. I only knew that not all of them agreed with one another.

Then he narrowed his own eyes, and something seemed to snap within him, for from one moment to the next all I could see was pure, unadulterated lust radiating off of him in waves.

“Erik…” I tried to caution him, admittedly half-hearted.

I was just as drunk as he was, and the reasons why we had come to be so simply seemed inconsequential in that moment. Even sober, I would not have denied that he was an attractive man, and now I was incapable of so much as attempting such a denial, even if I had wanted to.

My last bits of reason and logic went out the figurative window when he leaned in and pressed a hungry kiss to my lips.

Before I had wrapped my whiskey-soaked mind around what was happening, I was stretched out beneath him, my hands buried in his hair, while his were pushing up my sweater.

 

That alcohol-fuelled fire burned between us for hours, and for the first time in a long while, I did not feel alone. I was quickly reminded of that feeling, however, when I woke up to an empty bed.


	3. Weeks

“F/N, can you spare a moment?”

“You know very well my next class is not until tomorrow, Charles. I’m all yours.” I replied, closing the door to my classroom behind me.

“Very well, then. Would you care to go for a walk with me?”

I gave his chair a pointed look, and he chuckled.

“You know what I mean.”

“You’ll keep asking until I do, won’t you?”

“Possibly.”

“All right.” I sighed. “Off we go, then.”

 

When we reached the grounds, they were devoid of students, all of them tied up in classes, or in Raven’s training on the sublevel. The sun shone brightly now, but I could still smell the remnants of last night’s rain in the air.

“Do me a favor and get straight to the point, Charles.” I requested when we had come to the spot where his favorite tree used to be. “No beating around the bush.”

“As you wish.” he said, somewhat solemnly. “You know you can talk to me when something is bothering you, right?”

“Charles…” I warned. “You promised to stay out of my head.”

“I don’t need t be in their heads in order to be concerned about my friends. You’ve been back for a month, but you still seem like you don’t know if you’re going to stay. As if you’re missing something, and can’t settle without it.”

‘Damn you, Charles.’ I thought, my hand in the pocket of my jeans closing around the note I had found on my second pillow when I woke up in the evening, the first day after my return to Westchester.

My mind still doused in alcoholic fog, it had taken me a few attempts to decipher, let alone comprehend the short message.

>This should not have happened. I’m sorry. Don’t try to come after me. Erik.<

It wasn’t like I had expected anything to come out of it when I slept with him. Hell, I hadn’t even expected to sleep with him in the first place! But somehow… something just didn’t sit right with me. Besides, the more I thought about him, the more I had to admit that I missed him.

I wasn’t supposed to feel this way for a man I barely knew. A man I had spent no more than half a day with. But still…

“Are you still with me, F/N?”

“What? Yes.” I snapped out of my thoughts, finding concern etched into Charles’ features. “Sorry. I got lost in thought for a moment there.”

“You don’t say.” he smirked.

“Don’t get smart with me, Charles.”

“All right, all right. I just worry.”

“I know.”

“Of course you do. So… won’t you tell me what happened?”

I deliberated briefly. There was no way for me to get out of this without either telling Charles, or lying to him. Clearly, what had happened with Erik was anything but water under the bridge for me, no matter how much I tried to make it otherwise. Biting my lip, I looked at Charles and made a decision.

“You know what the day after I came back means to me, right?” I asked, and Charles nodded gravely.

“Your brother.” he said quietly.

I held up a hand to stop him from saying any more. I did not want to dwell on what had happened to my brother, nor on the subsequent downfall of my family.

“Yes. Well… Since I am perfectly legal to do so, I have always chosen to spend this day of the year in my own company. My own, and that of a bottle of Johnnie Walker. That didn’t exactly happen this year. Instead, I met a friend of yours.”

Charles’ eyes widened as realization dawned on him.

“Erik?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry he intruded on you.”

“He actually didn’t. Not really. When he found me, he joined me for a drink. We got to talking, and somehow came to the nature of my mutation. He wanted to see what I can do, so… I… I projected for him.”

“Oh.” Charles said. “I’m surprised.”

“About what exactly?”

“Two things. That you did that for him, considering what it would show…”

“And?”

“That the house is still standing.”

“Charles…” I sighed. “You underestimate me. Sometimes it’s almost insulting.”

“I just know how Erik can be. Especially when he is hurting.”

“”Well, it’s not like there was no outburst at all… I’ll tell you what, this is awkward anyway, and I don’t think I could accurately explain what and how it happened. Just this once, look into my mind… See for yourself.”

“Are you sure?” he asked, hesitating.

“Not really. But what the hell… I just… I can trust you know when to stop looking?”

His gaze turned puzzled at that.

“You’ll see.” I just said, and got on one knee beside his chair. He reached a hand to the side of my head, more to keep us both grounded than anything else. I had no idea what he was looking at, specifically, and could only make vague guesses based on the feelings I glimpsed from him. Charles had always been difficult for me to read, from the very beginning.

“Oh.” He said again, suddenly pulling back and letting his hand fall back into his lap. “I see.”

Brushing a little dirt off my knee, I rose to my full height again, and walked on in silence.

 

“Now you know, Charles.” I said after several minutes.

“I do.” he agreed. “But I still have a question, if you don’t mind… It’s quite a personal one.”

“Just spit it out.”

“Just now… I only looked at what happened. Facts, if you will. But I’d like to know…”

“Charles…” I warned.

“Do you love him?”

“That’s a good question.”

“And quite an important one, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know, Charles.” I sighed. “I mean… I barely know the man. Just because I’ve seen his feelings… Do I even have the right to fall in love with a man who just lost all of family for the second time? Who was just looking for comfort, and only let himself go because he was drunk?”

“You think that’s all?”

“You think it’s not?”

“Mainly, I think you need to know how you feel about this first, before you make any decisions.”

“I wasn’t the one to make decisions first. He was.” I snapped, pulling the note out of my pocket and handing it to him.

He knew everything else, so I saw no point in concealing this message.

“I understand.” Charles said curtly after reading.

“What? No more wisdom to share with me?”

Tears began to burn in my eyes, because deep down, I knew the answer to Charles’ question. I just couldn’t bear to admit it, because if I said it out loud, it would become real.

“No wisdom.” he said. “Just some advice.”

“And that would be?”

“Figure out what you want, and whether you want it enough to ask for it. Sometimes… sometimes offering the same thing we want in return is a good way to overcome obstacles that needn’t be there in the first place.”


	4. Months

I exited the bathroom, my hair fashionably messy, but my teeth freshly brushed, and went to make my way to the sublevel. Raven had scheduled a late training session with Scott, Jean, Ororo, Peter and Kurt today, for the sole purpose of having me oversee the whole thing and evaluate their emotional responses in various situations.

Several weeks had gone by since my conversation with Charles, nearly two months, actually, and I was no longer able to deny that I loved Erik. I had fallen for this man, who was so fragile and so strong at the same time, recklessly and at a breakneck pace. It was a truth I had to live with, even though he regarded part of our encounter as a mistake. And, along with another, potentially problematic truth, I had come to terms with it.

“Hey, F/N! Thanks for doing this.” Raven greeted me, while also engulfing me in a big hug.

We had become rather good friends in the time since she and I had taken up residence at the school again, and as much as I loved Charles and Hank, I was grateful for some female companionship.

“Whoa!” she exclaimed as she pulled away again. “Minty fresh much?”

“Some of us like to freshen up every now and then.” I countered.

“And you just forgot about your hair?”

“There’s nothing wrong with my hair, thank you very much.”

“Whatever you say, darling. Are we still on for dinner after this?”

“I don’t know… I feel a bit queasy, to be honest.”

“You think you caught something?”

“Nah… Probably just bad milk with breakfast. Something like that.” I waved her off.

She gave me a concerned look, but at my urging we entered the training room, where her five trainees were already waiting.

Raven briefly explained my presence to them, and then they went about their defense training as they normally would while I kept watch over them from the sidelines.

 

“I’m glad you feel better.”

“Yeah, me too. I was looking forward to this, actually.” I agreed with Raven as we sat down in a cozy booth at a diner not too far from the school. “It’s nice to get out of that mansion from time to time.”

“Preach.” she chuckled.

A waitress in a cute little apron took our drink orders and promised to return with them once we had a moment to look over them menu. Instead of doing that, however, we went on to discuss the training.

“So…” Raven began, barely glancing at the laminated list of choice dishes. “What do you think?”

“Of the kids?”

She nodded.

“They handled everything surprisingly well. Maybe because they have already been in this massive fight with Apocalypse.”

“So you think if they were needed, they’d be ready?”

“From a purely emotional point of view? Yes. I don’t know about their abilities regarding combat. For that, I defer to your judgment.”

“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming.” she said, tilting her head at me. “Who is it?”

“Peter.” I sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, I think he could handle combat just as well as the others, it’s just… There seems to be something that’s bothering him… Like he’s torn… Undecided. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that?”

She cringed a little as I spoke, and answered only reluctantly.

“I… I think I have a pretty good idea what it is that as him ‘torn’, as you call it. But I can’t tell you. I already spoke to somebody about it when I shouldn’t have.”

“Dou you think he’d talk to me about it?”

“Probably. He told me on his own. It’s not like I asked. I just don’t think it’s up to me to tell people something personal of his. Or, more accurately, more people. But he doesn’t seem to consider it a secret.”

The waitress reappeared, placing my milkshake and Raven’s coffee on the table while we hastened to find something on the menu that seemed appealing. In the end, we both ordered the chef’s recommendation of the day.

“What?” I asked, noticing how Raven eyed me curiously when I took a sip of my shake.

“Nothing, really.” she claimed.”I guess I’m just surprised you’re not having coffee as well. I thought you liked it at all hours of the day.

“Normally, I do. I’m cutting back, though. Medical reasons.” I explained, and her eyes widened in alarm, making me continue. “Nothing to worry about, I’m fine. I’ve just been told that limiting my caffeine intake might be a good idea. And I had two large cups this morning. Besides, I like milkshakes.

Raven’s mind somewhat at ease again, we fell into pleasant, friendly banter for the rest of the evening.

 

Having closed the mansion’s massive door as quietly as possible to make sure we didn’t wake anybody since we had spontaneously decided to go for a movie after dinner, thus making for a late return, Raven and I bade each other good night and headed towards our respective bedrooms. At my door, I almost ignored the colored light and faint sounds of a TV from the common room at the end of the hallway, but my curiosity won out, and I directed my steps thither.

As I got closer, I was able to identify that it was a news channel playing, and when I peeked around the corner, I found none other than Peter Maximoff slouching on the sofa with his eyes glued to the screen. That did, however, not seem to prevent him from noticing my presence.

“Hey, F/N.” he muttered.

Since he was not a High Schooler, I had asked him to just call me by my first name.

“Peter. How come you’re still up? It’s late.” I said, entering the room.

“You would know. Didn’t you just come home yourself?”

“Fair point.” I conceded and plopped down in the seat next to him. “I guess I’m just curious what’s going through your mind.”

“Like you can’t tell.”

“I can’t.”

He scoffed at that.

“Peter, I’m serious. I’m not like Charles. I don’t know what you’re thinking. I can tell what you’re feeling, but I don’t… ‘read minds’, if that’s the term you want to use.”

“Just watching the news.” he said, still not looking away from the screen.

“You do that a lot?”

“I guess…”

“Looking for something?”

It made sense. Since the school reopened and I returned three months ago, I had noticed Peter in front of a TV set whenever he was not training or out having a blast. I just hadn’t come to the realization it might mean something before now. Probably because I hadn’t been as aware of his emotions until I had intentionally sought them out today.

He finally muted the TV and turned towards me.

“I guess so. Why are you even asking?”

“Because I’m interested. Today, during training, when I was watching all of you… you just seemed a little… I don’t know how to describe it… No, wait, I do.” I came to yet another realization. “What I saw reminded me of how I feel myself.”

“And how’s that?” he asked, intrigued now.

“I feel at home here. I like the people, and I think they like me, too, if I do say so myself. But I also feel like something is missing. Or someone. And that I should at least try to do something about it.”

I could not believe it had taken me so long to figure this out. Especially since Charles had essentially spelled it out for me.

“What I saw in you this afternoon-“ I continued speaking after a few moments. “-is not the same, but very similar. And if you want to talk about it, you can. I’ll gladly listen.”

For a long moment, he did not take his eyes off me, before they flicked back to the TV, and finally landed on his hands, where they stayed.

“I didn’t come here to learn.” he said. “I was looking for my father.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I mean… I kinda found him, I guess, but I didn’t tell him who I was. He doesn’t even know my Mom had a kid. Guess I’m not just a giant loser, but also a giant coward.”

“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, Peter. It’s a difficult situation for you. And you can always still tell him.”

“Not exactly. I’d first have to find him again. He’s currently not around.”

Something dawned on me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it just yet.

“Who’d you have to find?” I asked as softly as I could.

“Erik Lehnsherr.”

 

Well, shit.

When I came to talk to Peter, I had been considering a lot of different reasons for his emotional turmoil. Erik being his father and not knowing it was not one of them. I could just sit and stare.

“F/N?” Peter asked tentatively.

He had to wave – actually wave – his hand in front of my eyes to recapture my attention. I shook my head for clarity while fishing for words.

“Sorry, Peter, I… Wee bit of a surprise you gave my there.”

“Imagine how I felt when my Mom told me.”

“Quite a shock, wasn’t it?”

He looked down, then back at me.

“You could say that.”

My eyes zeroed in on a loose thread on my sleeve. It didn’t really matter, given that my top was, in its entirety, a rather slouchy and baggy affair, made and intended for comfort, not looks, but it gave me something to focus on other than how awkward I felt.

“Would you tell him?” I asked, fiddling with the thread. “If he were still here, I mean? Or if he came back?”

“I guess… Maybe not right away. But… Yes. Yes, I think I would.”

 

“Thank you, Charles.”

“Don’t mention it.” he replied as we made our way through the bright hallway towards Cerebro. “Just tell me… Are you sure you don’t want me to just tell him to come here?”

“I am. I only need to know where he is. I don’t want him to know I’m coming either. Just…”

“I understand. You think he’d run?”

“Well, it’s not like he’s never done it before, is it?”

We stopped, allowing enough time for the retina scanner to do its job and the doors to open, then resuming our steps to the console.

“Would you mind my asking you something?”

“Just spit it out, Charles.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“Hm… I had a chat with some other people, and thought long and hard about everything… And I realized that, if I really don’t go after him, I will not only have to live with the fact that he left, but also with my own cowardice. And that I won’t be the only on affected. That’s a chance I can’t take. More importantly, it’s a chance I don’t want to take. So I have to find him. Speak to him. On my terms.”

Charles smiled fondly at my words, until his features fell after a few seconds, like he suddenly remembered something unpleasant, and he looked rather concerned from one moment to the next.

“What? What is it, Charles?” I asked, quickly worried myself.

He kept giving me that same worried look, even while he answered.

“I just… noticed something. I’m not reading your thoughts or anything like that, don’t worry. I keep my word. But still… Something is strange about you… Different. Now that I’m aware of it, I think it has been like this for a while. Several weeks at least. Are you all right?”

“Yes.” I sighed, both relieved and nervous. “I’ve just been thinking about this a lot. I’m sure that’s why I seem different to you…”

He looked me over a little while longer, up and down, and seemed tempted to say more on the matter, but decided to keep it to himself. Instead, he reached for the console after a curt nod.

“Please stay as still as you can. And be aware, this might take a while.” he warned as he got ready.

“As long as you locate him.” I muttered, unable to help myself.

“I always do.” Charles replied, just a little bit smug about it.

He activated the machine, and I swallowed as I watched the cavernous room visually transform. I’d hear what it was like when Charles used Cerebro from both Hank and Raven, but their descriptions proved insufficient as I found us surrounded by countless lights, tiny, but oh-so-many, one for each person on the planet. It was fascinating how, for a moment, I could make out the continental shapes by them, until they blurred, and all the white ones faded away, only the red of mutants remaining. Before us, different figures flew by like leaves in the air as Charles focused his entire mind on locating his old friend. Then, suddenly-

There he was. Erik’s image, a little blurry, remained a fixture in front of us. He was standing hunched over what appeared to be a bar, leaning against it, scowling down at the glass in his hand. Even in this blurry imagery, he looked distinctly unkempt and in need of a good night’s sleep.

A couple more seconds, and the image faded as Cerebro powered down. Charles turned toward me with a small smile.

“And?” I asked anxiously. “Where is he?”

“Brazil. Rural Brazil.” he replied.

“And you’re sure he can’t have noticed-“

“He can’t. Don’t worry. He doesn’t know I looked for him, and he has no plans to move on any time soon.”

“You’re absolutely certain?”

“Positive. In any case, he was too preoccupied.”

With that, Charles started towards the exit and I followed close after him.

“Yeah.” I grumbled. “With booze.”

“Actually, that was his first glass in weeks. I meant something else he was preoccupied with. He was busy thinking about you.”

“You must be joking.”

“Not at all. I can assure you of my sincerity. Now, I assume you want to go there immediately?”

“I’ll book the first flight I can get.” I confirmed.

“There will be no need for that. I hear Hank has already succeeded in building a new jet. He’ll be looking for an opportunity to test it over longer distances.”

“But hank is not exactly fond of Erik. When he hears where I’m going-“

“He’ll understand. You’re his friend, and a grown woman.”


	5. Days

As usual, Charles had been right and Hank had agreed, after only a little persuasion, to fly me to Brazil. I had packed a few necessities and off we went the next morning.

Having reached our destination a little outside of the small town Erik was apparently holed up in, I noticed Hank’s expression grow darker while I grabbed my belonging to get off the plane.

“Hank.” I sighed. “I know you don’t like this. I know you don’t like him. But this is my decision, and I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t think it was safe. Trust me on that.”

“It’s not you I don’t trust.”

“I know. But I have to do this. Believe me when I say I’ll be fine. Go home. I’ll find my own way back, or call if I can’t do that.”

He huffed and hugged me goodbye, and I was about to step outside, but turned around again to tell him something else.

“There’s one more thing I know, Hank.”

He looked at me questioningly, but made no reply.

“Raven still likes you. You might want to try asking her out some time.”

 

Seated in a shady corner of the dive bar I kept my head down, taking great care to determine I, or at least my face, could not be seen from the door. Wearing yet another oversized sweater, a style I had grown to appreciate more than I used to recently, my hands my hands were tucked into the front pocket of it, one curled tightly around the brief note Erik had left on my pillow a little over three months ago, the other around the sheet Charles had used to jot down every but of useful information he had glimpsed from Erik’s mind in Cerebro. The location of this bar and the hours Erik tended to frequent it were the most important to me.

A few hours had passed since Hank had dropped me off, and I had spent the greater part of that time wandering about the town before making my way here, since the time Erik was likely to show up drew near. The heat, which had been pressing enough outdoors, was no less so in the shabby establishment and did not help my nervous state of mind at all.

The door creaked open, letting in a streak of light along with a patron who seemed well-known to the bartender, but was a stranger to me. Just as it should have closed, the door opened wide once more, and this time, it was indeed Erik who entered. I sank deeper into the shadows, wanting to remain unnoticed for a little while longer. Therefore, instead of making myself known, I watched him carefully, all the while fiddling with the papers in my pocket.

He stepped up to the bar without hesitation and ordered I-did-not-know-what in fluent Portuguese, falling into the same pose he had held when Charles had tracked him down for me.

It did not take long before he made it through his first drink, and I did not wait to see if he ordered another, but hoisted my backpack over my shoulder as I got up, and approached the empty spot next to him at the bar. Utterly indifferent to his surroundings, he did not care to look up from the glass in his hands, but that was about to change.

“Hello, Erik.”

 

My words had been soft, but he still tensed, his long fingers tightening around his glass.

“I told you not to come after me.” he said, without looking up.

“You did.” I agreed. “But I have never been good with instructions Besides-“I hesitated, but only briefly. “-I had to come.”

“Why?”

“For many reasons. But I think the most important one for right now is that I missed you.”

“You expect me to believe that?” he scoffed. “You barely know anything about me. Just because we spent a few hours together – months ago…”

While he spoke, I could clearly see his stubborn determination, and yet… there was something more, something that was pushing and pulling at him, something he refused to let in, refused to let himself feel.

“Maybe those few hours were enough.” I replied.

He still hadn’t looked up at me.

“Why don’t you just cut to the chase and tell me what you want?” he asked, and I swallowed thickly.

All I had said so far could be interpreted rather mildly, if one so desired, but now my reply had to be plain and clear. Unmistakable.

“You.”

All he gave me as a reply was a dark, unconvinced chuckle.

“That’s funny to you?”

“Not particularly.” he grunted. “Where’s your drink?”

“I don’t drink.”

“You did three months ago.”

“Some things have changed.”

“So it would seem.”

He knocked back his second drink and gestured to the barkeeper for a refill. The man glared at me as he poured a questionable liquid from an unlabelled bottle, even more unhappy about my lack of drink than Erik.

“Is it really so unbelievable to you that somebody could fall in love with you that quickly?” I asked, and saw something wash through him that looked an awful lot like nostalgia, before he repressed it again and drowned it beneath the anger and pain which seemed to never really leave him.

“Is it really that unbelievable to you that I don’t care?” he snapped.

I flinched away from him, tears beginning to sting in the corners of my eyes. Suppose I had my answer. Jaws set tight, I nodded firmly, unseen by him, adjusted the strap of my backpack still sitting on my shoulder, and walked towards the door, determined not to break down while he could potentially still see and hear me. If he could walk around, sleeping with women to just disappear afterwards, leaving behind some stupid note, then I could-

I whirled around, halfway between bar and door, glaring at Erik’s back for a moment, then straightening up and approaching him again.

“Oh good, you’re back.” he muttered towards the countertop, his voice dripping with venom.

“It said you were sorry.” I blurted, ignoring the poison he tried to spew.

“What?”

“Your note. It said you were sorry. Why, if it didn’t mean anything, would you be sorry?”

“You must be mistaken. I never wrote that.”

“Oh, really? Because I seem to remember it quite clearly.”

Pulling the note out of my pocket, I slammed it onto the bar top.

“Maybe you want to read it again. Refresh your memory a bit.”

“Can’t you just leave?” he asked, suddenly sounding almost desperate.

“Why would I do you that courtesy, when you won’t even do me the courtesy of looking at me while you talk to me?” I demanded. “This whole time, you haven’t looked up once. Don’t you think I at least deserve to see your face while you tell me off?”

“Of course you do.” he said.

Again, he sounded different. His voice was much softer than before.

“Then why don’t you just look at me?” I asked gently.

“Because then I’d see you.”

“That’s kind of the point, you know?” I chuckled.

“No, you don’t understand. If I see you, I… I won’t be able to…”

“To what?”

He just shook his head, but I was not willing to let him off the hook just yet.

“Erik…” I sighed. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I have not come all this way just to leave again without even seeing your face. Please.”

It didn’t seem to matter that we were not alone in the shabby bar, the pressing silence between us still made it seem as if we were. When Erik finally began to lift his eyes, it seemed to me as if it was happening impossibly slowly. But then they met my own, and I could see, beyond the tears glistening in them and the torment on his features, everything he had so desperately been trying to hide. From me, and I supposed also from himself.

“There’s no way I’m leaving without you now.” I breathed.


	6. A Couple More Hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really short one, but we're almost at the end.

The hotel room Erik led me to was just as run down as the bar had been. The door required a not insignificant amount of force to open, and even more to close properly again. As I took in the stained rug in front of a rickety bed and the tattered, threadbare curtains, I finally let my backpack fall off my shoulder and thump onto the floor.

“Quaint.” I commented dryly.

We had agreed that we’d both rather relocate to a more… private setting for the rest of our discussion, however long it might be.

Erik shrugged at my remark and offered me the only chair in the room, sitting on the edge of the bed himself.

“So…” I said.

“So…” he repeated.

“Why?” I asked, seeing as it was the only question that seemed to matter. “Why would you deny these feelings, Erik?”

“Because… it’s just not right.” he replied briefly.

“Not right? How-“ before I could finish my question, I was presented with an answer.

His pain and sense of loss flooded him again, nearly overwhelming me, but mixed in there was something else – guilt? I looked closer, and was met with images of his wife and little girl.

“Oh.”

I reached for him, and although it seemed as if he wanted to shrink away at first, when I rested my hand against his cheek, he sank into my touch.

“You can’t put a timeline on your feelings, Erik.” I proclaimed. “There’s no set limit for when you are allowed to or prohibited from feeling this or that. Don’t make yourself believe you have to mourn forever, or until a certain amount of time passes, before you are permitted to feel happy again. Or even that you can’t do both at the same time.

He looked unconvinced, still plagued by the same feelings.

Withdrawing my hand, I rested it on top of the other in my lap, and decided to tell him a little story.

“That day, three months ago… I was drinking by myself, because I always do that, every year on that day. I have done it for a long time. Because it’s the day my brother died.”

Erik seemed to flinch a little, but did not attempt to interrupt me, for which I was grateful.

“He was out grocery shopping for a family dinner. My Mom had sent him. It was a drive-by. They weren’t there for him, but for the two guys he was walking past. They didn’t care. They just started shooting. No powers. No mutations. My brother was not like me, and neither were the people who killed him. It made no sense. It still doesn’t. I don’t reckon it ever will. And of course, I still miss him. Every day. But it’s not as hard anymore. It was hard, very hard, in the beginning. But I still had my Mom. And… believe it or not, I was laughing again very soon after it happened. That didn’t mean I was grieving any less. It didn’t mean I forgot. Maybe think about that.”

As I spoke, I had felt the tears coming, and reflexively looked down, my eyes fixed on my hands, still in my lap. Then, after a minute or so of silence, I heard a rustle, and Erik pulled my face up, finger under my chin. And for the first time since meeting him, maybe because I was swimming against the current of my own emotions now, I couldn’t see any of his. I only saw him, just as he was, a melancholy smile on his lips and something almost pleading in his eyes. He moved his hand to wipe the tears from my cheeks.

“You would have me?” he asked in a whisper. “After everything I’ve done? With everything I am? Even after I left you alone like that, with just a note?”

“I will have you any way you let me.” I admitted, forcing back a sob.

He pulled me into a kiss, cautious, bittersweet, and short. It was followed by our foreheads leaning together while we shared the same air.

“I love you.” he said, barely louder than a breath.

“You do?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“Like you don’t know. As if you haven’t seen it.”

“I have. But hearing you say it is… different.”

“I love you.” He repeated, and I smiled happily.

“I love you too.”

Before any more words or gestures could be exchanged, I bolted up and through a door opposite the one we had entered through, which I was lucky enough to correctly assume led to a small, but thankfully surprisingly clean bathroom. It was all I could do to lock the door after me before my knees hit the floor.

Damn.


	7. Plenty of Time

“F/N?” Erik’s worried voice sounded through the thin door. “What’s going on? Are you all right?”

I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand and sighed. This wasn’t part of the plan.

“F/N, if you don’t open the door, I will!”

I pulled myself up and turned towards the door, sliding the bolt back with a shaky hand.

“I’m fine.” I said weakly when his concerned face came into view.

He did not look convinced.

“Look, I’ll tell you what’s going on. Just… can you hand me my backpack and give me five minutes to freshen up, please?”

He grimaced, but quickly retrieved what I asked for. Before I could close the door again, however, he blocked it.

“Leave it unlocked?” he pleaded.

I nodded with a feeble smile, and he drew back his hand so I could go about my business.

“Five minutes.” I assured him before the door fell shut.

 

I hurried, but was still thorough in brushing my teeth, and then proceeded to pull a washcloth from my backpack as well, drenching it in cold water and running it over my face and neck.

The five minutes could not yet have been over when, feeling quite well again, I reentered the room where Erik was nervously waiting. He was by my side in a matter of seconds.

“Are you all right?” he asked again.

“Yes.” I confirmed. “I just… Okay. What just happened is, although unpleasant, perfectly normal. And it… it happened for the same reason I currently don’t drink.”

He seemed confused by my words, and I decided to show, rather than tell him what was going on. When I reached for the hem of my jumper, he stepped back, and I was immeasurably relieved to finally take the garment off. It was way too warm for it, but I had not wanted this particular revelation to influence him. I’d wanted him to choose _me_ first.

Letting the jumper fall to the questionable floor, I looked up at Erik while straightening my stretch camisole.

Without any other information than my looks, one could almost have thought I had just let myself go and become a little pudgy around the middle, but…

Erik stared, wide-eyed, at the small bump my body displayed.

“You’re…”

More, he did not appear able to say.

“Yes.”

He swallowed hard.

“We’ll be…”

“Yes.”

He stepped closer, hesitating, with one hand outstretched towards my stomach, and looked into my eyes questioningly.

“Can I?”

Close to tears, he was looking at me like a scolded puppy. The moment would have been almost comical, if only it wasn’t so emotional.

“Of course.” I told him, my voice somewhere between laughter and sobbing.

His hand moved ever so gently over the small bump, and then, from one moment to the next, he was on his knees in front of me, pressing kisses to my stomach through the thin fabric of the camisole.

A tear or two of joy ran down my face, and I quickly wiped them away before sinking to my own knees and pulling Erik into a kiss.

“You took that better than I expected.” I told him when our lips parted.

He embraced me, making sure to hold me as close as possible before he said anything.

“I can’t imagine reacting otherwise.” he said, and I hummed. “Have you told anyone?”

“No. Not yet. I’ve been to a doctor, of course, but nobody at the school knows. Not even Charles. Although… I think he might be suspicious now.”

“You think he’s been in your head?”

“He knows better. He just said something was different about me just before I left.”

Erik nodded and disentangled himself, rising to his feet and helping me up as well.

“You shouldn’t be on the floor in your condition.”

“Erik, please. I’m pregnant, not plague-stricken.”

“Be that as it may…” he rumbled, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

I squeaked in surprise when he quickly picked me up, one arm under my knees, the other holding my upper body to him, and carried me the few steps towards the bed. He placed me on the covers delicately, joining me soon and hovering above me.

“A smile suits you well.” I told him sincerely, pressing a kiss to the very corner of his lips.

He made no reply, other than going to kiss me properly.

It felt nothing but natural that we had both soon shed our clothes entirely and were skin on skin, touching, feeling, and always, always, still kissing.

Where, three months ago, we had both been in a drunken haze, we were now fully aware. What had been rough grasping was now a gently touch. Every movement designed for mutual, more than mere selfish, delight. His hand, when we were both more than ready, reached behind my knee to guide my leg up, hooking around his hips while he slowly pushed into me. My entire body was already singing with pleasure while he paused, and only a desperate whine for more prompted him to resume.

In a flash, his lips were on mine once more, and he drove into me, time after time, in fluid movements, while I clawed at his back in hopeless attempts to anchor myself, unable to do so in any way. It did not take long for either of us to reach fulfillment.

 

We lay together, Erik curled against my back, his lips pressed to my shoulder, and his hands spread out over my bare stomach, covering my small baby bump entirely. My own hands, in turn, covered his. Somehow, we were still floating in bliss.

“Erik?” I murmured in a daze.

“Hm?”

“Will you come back with me?”

“Back?” he asked, confused.

“To Westchester. I…I have a life there. A life I don’t want to give up, as much as I love you.”

After a few moments of silence, he replied.

“I will go wherever you ask me to go. As long as I have you-“his hands both flexed under my own “-it does not signify where I am.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“Good.”

“It could take us a while to get back there, though. Not that I mind having you to myself for as long as I can.” he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

“I won’t mind having you t myself for as long as I can either.” I said.

“Well, it will still be a good number of months before you have to share me.”

“Don’t be so sure about that.”

“Hm?”

“Well, there’s someone at the school who might want to talk to you sooner or later.”

I could feel Erik tense.

“Don’t worry. It’s not a bad thing. And it’s not Charles. Or Raven. She’ll be busy with Hank, I reckon. Just… give it a chance. Trust me.”

He relaxed as I spoke, and pressed another kiss to my skin.

“More than anyone.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think. Kudos, Comment, stalk my tumblr, anything. Just... I'm starting to loose my writing-mojo...


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